I recently listened to the audio book “Fierce Conversations” by Susan Scott. The gist of the book stresses that relationships are built and broken one conversation at a time. Seems pretty obvious, right? However, I did keep listening and found a few tidbits of value that you may find interesting. I ‘ll discuss two of the more important tidbits below.
The first tidbit provides the steps necessary to have a fierce conversation. Start by writing down your opening statement. The opening statement must not be sugar coated. Don’t ask the person how they are doing. Just state your beef within 60 seconds. Susan Scott recommends that you aim for your destination with conversations and wait to speak if your intent is sinister. Yeah, I can see how a sinister approach could be a problem. The opening statement is structured as follows-
- Name the issue
- Name specific examples
- Describe your emotions
- Clarify what is at stake and use the word ’stake’.
- Identify your contribution
- Indicate your wish to resolve
- Invite a response.
Once you have released your opening statement to that “someone special”, it’s time to listen. Remember to listen closely, reiterate, ask for clarity, and most importantly, focus on getting results. Then resolve the issue. Resolving requires reflecting on what was learned, where you are now, and what do you both do next. Also, invite more conversation if anything has been left unsaid.
The second tidbit revolves around a story regarding moles. Yes, the furry little creatures. Not the dark, hairy, lump protruding from your wicked step mother’s chin. Susan writes:
Sam’s responsibility was to tackle the mole problem in our yard. Each Saturday morning Sam would look out the window and heave a sigh. Our yard was mole central. Dozens of trails ended in large mounds of freshly turned dirt.
Susan Scott goes on to write about all the battles Sam faced while attempting to rid their yard of moles. He would use the ol’ hose, smoke bombs, and traps. None of these techniques worked.
Many years later, Sam called me and said, “Suze, you wouldn’t believe it. I was at the hardware store standing in line behind a guy with a big bag of something that had a skull and crossbones on it. I asked him what it was for and he said, ‘The mole problem.’ So I asked him, ‘How do you get that stuff down into the burrows?’ And he said, ‘Oh, it’s not for the moles. You sprinkle it on the grass and it kills the grubs that the moles eat.’”
The moral of the story: Stop whacking moles and start grub hunting. It will eliminate burnout.
On a personal note- I’ve used these techniques and I find them extremely valuable. Instead of prolonging the inevitable because of discomfort, I now take hold of my destiny by having the fierce conversations that make change happen faster. Also, I don’t tackle the same problem over and over again. I find the solution.
I hope this post has helped.
All the best,
Sally Strebel
